lose my mind, find my soul
by splendidlyimperfect
Summary: When Sting's barista starts slipping him free pastries, Sting thinks Natsu is just being silly and flirtatious. But when Sting's world starts falling apart, Natsu's the one who's there to help hold him together.


"Welcome to the Grindhouse, what can I get for you today?"

A man's voice came through the drive-thru speaker and Sting blinked a few times, staring at the menu out his car window before realizing that the voice was talking to him.

"Shit, sorry," he said quickly. "Uh, I have... no idea, I'm, uh, new..." Sting trailed off, glancing in the rearview mirror and sighing thankfully that nobody was there.

"New to Grindhouse?" the guy asked. He had an Australian accent, and Sting could hear a teasing lilt to his voice. "Or the area?"

"Both?" Sting replied. A yawn caught him by surprise and he quickly covered his mouth.

The man laughed, then said, "come up to the window, I'll help you pick something."

Sting nodded, realized the guy couldn't see him, then pulled forward quickly before he said something embarrassing. Leaning on the counter at the drive-thru window was a man his age with bright pink hair and a wide smile on his face.

_Oh shit, _Sting thought. _He's hot. _

"Hey," the guy said. As Sting pulled closer, he could see tattoos running up the man's arms, and a piercing through his septum. "You look exhausted."

Sting laughed, yawning and nodding. "Mm," he said. "Drove for fourteen hours yesterday and got two hours of sleep." As the man stood up, Sting caught a look at the name tag on his apron – _Natsu. _

"I recommend a red eye," Natsu said, grinning. When Sting looked confused, he added, "coffee with extra espresso."

"That sounds... dangerous," Sting said, raising an eyebrow. "I'm in."

Natsu disappeared from the window, returning a minute later with a coffee cup that he handed to Sting. He also passed Sting a paper bag, and Sting peeked into it curiously.

"Banana bread," Natsu explained, leaning back down on the windowsill and crossing his arms. "Baked this morning, I promise you'll love it." Now that he was closer, Sting could see that the tattoos on Natsu's arms were intricate flowers – bright pink and blue that stood out starkly against his dark skin.

"Th-thanks," Sting stammered, trying not to stare at the way the tattoo trailed up the sleeves of Natsu's shirt and curled around his bicep. Sting reached over to grab his wallet from his bag, but managed to knock it into the passenger footwell instead. "Shit, sorry," he swore, but Natsu shook his head.

"Don't worry about it, it's on the house," Natsu said, giving Sting a smile that made heat rush to his cheeks. "Consider it an incentive to come back."

* * *

When Sting pulled up to the Grindhouse a few days later, a pang of anxiety ran through him. He'd nearly driven past the exit to the café, but had swerved through two lanes of traffic at the last minute and was now questioning his decision.

He felt a mix of relief and disappointment when someone else took his order, but when he pulled up to the window, Natsu was there again, leaning out the window and grinning.

"Red Eye!" he called cheerfully. "Terrible nickname, but I don't know your actual name."

"Oh, um, it's Sting."

"That's an interesting name." Natsu reached out to take Sting's phone to scan, and when their fingers brushed, Sting felt his heart jump a little.

"It's... kind of a nickname," Sting admitted, taking his phone back and nearly dropping it out the window. "There was an incident with... bees. It stuck."

"Okay, now I need to hear this story," Natsu said, then raised his eyebrows. "So, do I get to know your real name?"

Sting snorted, shaking his head. "Nope."

"Oh c'mon," Natsu said, turning to grab Sting's coffee from the other barista standing behind him. "At least gimme a first letter so I can guess."

Sting chewed his lip for a second, looking up at Natsu, then said, "it's a, uh, deadname. Rather not."

"Oh, shit," Natsu said immediately, looking mortified. "I'm sorry, I'm an idiot, I didn't mean—"

"No, it's okay," Sting said, taking the coffee from Natsu and tucking it into the cupholder.

There was an awkward silence between them for a minute, both of them looking at each other uncertainly, and then the car behind Sting honked. Sting jumped, looking back in his rearview mirror and waving apologetically.

As Sting pulled away from the window, cheeks burning, Natsu shouted after him, "next time, coffee's on me!"

* * *

Sting didn't get a chance to make it back to the Grindhouse until two weeks later, and he was surprised to feel a pang of guilt for leaving Natsu hanging. When he finally pulled up to the drive-thru again, Nastu's eyes widened in relief and he gave Sting a huge smile.

"I thought I'd scared you off," Natsu said, waving away Sting's phone and shaking his head. "Told you, it's on me. I still feel like an asshole."

"It's fine, I—"

"Hang on a sec," Natsu interrupted, popping away from the window. Sting could see a short, blonde girl giving Natsu an exasperated look as he disappeared toward the front of the café, then returned a few seconds later with a paper bag.

"Are you bribing me with pastries again?" Sting asked, peeking into the bag to see a cherry danish.

Natsu laughed, running a hand through his hair. "I dunno," he said, "is it working?"

Before Sting could reply, the blonde girl hit Natsu's arm.

"We've got other customers," she reminded him, giving Sting an apologetic look.

Natsu glanced behind Sting at the line of cars and sighed. "Sorry," he said, then looked back at Sting hopefully. "See you soon?"

* * *

Sting very quickly became a regular at the Grindhouse. After a few weeks, everyone who worked there knew his order, but Natsu would always bring it to him, even if he wasn't working in the drive-thru. Sting started waiting until there was no lineup before pulling in, giving him and Natsu a few minutes to chat.

"Morning darlin', the usual?"

It was a Monday morning, and Natsu's voice was bright and cheerful. Sting managed a smile at the endearment – from anyone else, he'd be irked by it, but coming from Natsu, it was… sweet.

"Maybe add another shot today," Sting said, rubbing his face. His skin felt too tight. "Or two." He could barely keep his eyes open, but whenever he closed them, the pressure in his chest overwhelmed him and he wanted to cry.

"I wonder what the lethal dose of caffeine is," Natsu mused, voice fading as Sting pulled up to the window. Natsu leaned forward and inspected Sting, expression quickly changing from excited to concerned. "Hey, you okay? You look…"

"Like shit?" Sting asked. Natsu hesitated and Sting shook his head, sighing. "Yeah, I'm just…" He stared numbly at his hands on the steering wheel for a minute. "Just tired," he said eventually.

"Hmm." Natsu frowned, playing with the bracelet on his wrist as he leaned against the counter. "Is this a 'cookies-will-make-it-better' bad day, or a 'mind-your-own-fucking-business-you're-just-my-barista' bad day?"

Sting snorted, shaking his head. "Neither," he said softly, looking out the window. The sun was bright and the sky was the kind of blue that made Sting think of running away.

Maybe he should. Nothing was stopping him anymore.

"Cookies wouldn't hurt, though, hey?" Natsu asked. Sting blinked out of his reverie and glanced up at the troubled look on Natsu's face.

"Cookies never hurt," Sting agreed, trying to put on a smile.

"We're baking some fresh ones," Natsu said slowly, tapping his fingers on the windowsill. "Are you… in a hurry?"

Sting glanced at the clock and started to nod, and then it hit him that he didn't have anywhere to be. Not anymore. He rubbed his face and shook his head.

"Hey, why don't you come inside?" Natsu's voice was gentle and Sting couldn't do anything but nod. He pulled into the parking lot, and when he turned off the car, he tipped his head back against the headrest and swallowed a few times, trying to keep himself from crying.

Stepping inside the café made Sting feel like he was in college again, back in Vancouver with his friends, studying after class. The almost-memory hit him hard, and he closed his eyes, taking a shaky breath.

"Hey, c'mere." Natsu appeared in front of Sting, coffee in one hand, gentle fingers reaching out to touch Sting's elbow. Sting didn't resist as Natsu led him over to a table in the corner. "This is the best spot," Natsu said as Sting dropped into the chair, sighing.

"Thanks," Sting said softly. Natsu crouched down next to the chair, trying to get Sting to look at him, but Sting kept his eyes on his hands. "I'm sorry," Sting whispered.

"For what?" Natsu asked. Sting shook his head, biting the inside of his cheek and focusing on the pain instead of the way his chest ached. Natsu hovered uncertainly next to him, then glanced back over at the counter.

"I didn't mean to bother you," Sting said, leaning forward and grabbing his coffee. "I can go."

Natsu shook his head vehemently, then turned toward the far windowsill and made a soft clicking sound. There was a quiet meow, and then a fat orange tabby cat stood up and stretched, blinking at them from its spot in the sunlight.

"C'mere," Natsu said to the cat, reaching out and rubbing his fingers together. The cat wandered along the window ledge, then plopped down in Sting's lap, turning in a circle before curling up in a ball and starting to purr. "That's Lector," Natsu explained, scratching the cat behind its ears. "He's good company."

Sting tentatively brushed a finger over Lector's head, letting out a soft puff of laughter when Lector headbutted his hand aggressively. Sting looked up at Natsu, who was giving him a gentle smile.

"Just… hang out here for a bit," Natsu suggested, squeezing Sting's arm. "I'll bring you some cookies when they're ready."

* * *

Sting fell asleep not long after Natsu headed back to the counter, and woke to the smell of cookies and the sensation of Lector standing up on his lap and stretching. He blinked a few times, yawning and rubbing his eyes, and looked up to see Natsu sitting down across from him.

"How're you feeling?" Natsu asked. Sting glanced out the window, then over to the clock on the wall – he'd been asleep for almost two hours. Natsu held out a plate and Sting took one of the offered cookies.

"Better," he said, surprised to realize that it was true. Lector flopped against Sting's chest, meowing plaintively until Sting started petting him again. "Thank you."

Natsu didn't say anything, just studied Sting's face until Sting felt his ears turning red. Natsu's eyes were dark and serious, and it felt like he could see right into Sting's grief.

"I want to go to the mountains," Sting said suddenly. Natsu raised an eyebrow. "I need to get away," Sting added, picking one of the chocolate chips out of the cookie.

"That's a long drive," Natsu said. He hesitated, chewing his lip, then added, "this might be weird, but… do you want company?" Sting looked up at Natsu, surprised. "You just seem… not okay?" Natsu added, shifting in his chair. "I dunno, like you shouldn't be alone? I'm sorry, I didn't mean to—"

"Really?" Sting asked. Lector batted at the cookie and Sting brushed the curious paw away as he studied Natsu's face. "You'd… you don't have… plans?"

Natsu shook his head, rubbing the back of his neck and smiling. "Nah, I'm off work in half an hour and I was planning on marathoning 'Umbrella Academy' this weekend. Mountains sound like a lot more fun." He gestured to the rest of the plate of cookies, adding, "I can even bring snacks."

Sting laughed, feeling a gentle sense of fondness wrapping around his grief.

"Yeah," he said, giving Natsu a soft smile. "Yeah, I'd like that."

* * *

"... and she graduated last week from nursing school. It's crazy, seems like she was in kindergarten yesterday."

Natsu flipped to another picture on his phone and held it out for Sting to look at it. Sting glanced away from the road to see a photo of a young woman with short, blue hair wearing a graduation gown – Natsu's younger sister, Wendy.

"You got any brothers or sisters?" Natsu asked, taking his phone back and tucking it between his legs. Sting tipped his head from side to side.

"Sorta," he said, feeling a sense of peace wash over him as he stared out the window at the mountains ahead. Soft, white clouds drifted around their peaks, and the sky was a brilliant shade of blue. They were on a winding road that climbed through the mountain range, and every few kilometers Sting would pick out a landmark that flooded him with nostalgia.

"How do you 'sort of' have siblings?" Natsu asked, laughing and grabbing his coffee from the cupholder between them.

"I... grew up with my half-brothers," Sting said slowly, tapping his fingers on the steering wheel. "We... disagreed on some stuff. They don't talk to me anymore."

Sting could feel the curious look Natsu was giving him, and he sighed.

"They're conservative," he said after a minute. "I could either be their sister, or nothing. I picked nothing."

"Shit, I'm sorry," Natsu said softly, picking at the rim of his coffee cup. Sting shrugged, focusing on the trees rushing past them, and the play of sunlight off the lake up ahead. "My dad didn't get me being gay either. He's cool with it now, but it sucked for a while. I can't imagine not having Wendy, though."

_My dad. _The words hung in the air for a moment and then crashed into Sting, making him feel like he couldn't breathe. The steering wheel jerked under his hands and Natsu swore in surprise, coffee spilling over his lap.

"Shit, fuck, I'm- fuck, I'm s-sorry," Sting said quickly, gripping the wheel tightly and taking a shaky breath. "I didn't- I'm sorry—"

"It's okay," Natsu said quickly, wiping the coffee away with his sleeve. "Why don't you pull over?"

Sting nodded uncertainly, flicking on the blinker and slowing down. There was a rest stop just ahead, just next to the lake, and Sting stopped the car there, turning it off and leaning forward to press his forehead against the steering wheel.

He couldn't breathe.

"What's wrong?" Natsu asked gently, hand hovering uncertainly over Sting's shoulder. "Are you okay? Do you need... can I do anything?"

Sting shook his head, trying to suck in a breath around the heavy ache in his chest. His face felt hot, and no matter how much he swallowed or wiped at his eyes, he couldn't keep the tears from falling.

"My dad died," he choked out after a second. The words were sharp, like pieces of broken glass in Sting's throat, and were followed quickly by a quiet sob.

Natsu made a sad sound and brushed his hand against Sting's arm, and when Sting didn't pull away, he moved closer, wrapping his arm around Sting's shoulders.

"He... last night," Sting managed, wrapping his arms around himself and trying not to fall apart. "He w-was really sick, and I d-don't... I knew h-he wasn't gonna get b-better but it still h-hurts..."

Natsu pressed his head against Sting's, pulling him tighter and rubbing his thumb over Sting's shoulder.

"I'm so sorry," he whispered. "I didn't... I'm sorry."

Sting felt tears dripping down his chin and making dark spots on his jeans, and all he could think about was the way his dad had whispered _I'm sorry, I love you, goodbye, _and the soft smile on his face when he'd closed his eyes for the last time.

"I came here to- to take care of him," Sting said between sobs, letting himself lean against Natsu. "It was s-so quick, and we never got along, but it still feels like sh-shit."

"Fuck, I wish I could do something to make it better," Natsu said, and Sting turned in his seat, pressing his face into Natsu's shoulder. Natsu wrapped his other arm around Sting and held him tightly.

"You are... you c-coming with me, I d-didn't..." Sting took a shaky breath. "I didn't wanna be alone."

"You don't have to be," Natsu said softly, and when he kissed the top of Sting's head, the knot in Sting's chest loosened and he finally felt like he could breathe again.

* * *

They sat in the car for a long time, until Sting's back started to ache from the awkward angle of their embrace and he pulled away from Natsu reluctantly. Natsu gave him a soft smile and ran a thumb over Sting's cheek, then sat up and sighed.

"Wanna go for a walk?" he asked, gesturing outside. The stop they were parked at was right on the lake, and a sign next to them showed a two-kilometer hike around the water.

"Yeah," Sting said, rubbing his face and opening the car door. He stepped out into the sunshine, closing his eyes and taking a deep breath. The air was humid and smelled like spring flowers, and a soft breeze trickled down from the mountaintop, brushing Sting's hair out of his face.

"C'mon." Natsu's hand found its way into Sting's and Sting laced their fingers together, letting out a deep breath as Natsu tugged him toward the lake. "It's gorgeous up here," Natsu said as they stepped onto the trail.

Sting nodded. Sunlight played off the deep blue of the lake, which was disturbed only by the ripples of the geese that landed on the water. Deep, rich moss grew up the trees around them, and the ground was thick with decomposing bark. Patches of mushrooms popped up on either side of the path, interspersed by brightly-colored wildflowers.

"Look," Natsu said softly, pulling on Sting's hand and crouching down next to a patch of bright purple blossoms. They smelled sweet, and Sting ran his fingers over the petals. "They're called bee balms," Natsu said, nudging Sting and giving him a smile. "Perfect for you."

Sting felt a flush creep across his cheeks and he ducked his head, only looking up again when Natsu pointed out another bed of flowers. These ones were tall and purple, with hints of yellow along the petals.

"Irises," Natsu said, helping Sting to his feet. "They symbolize hope."

The ache in Sting's chest returned a bit, but it was tempered by affection and he squeezed Natsu's hand gratefully.

"How do you know so much about flowers?" Sting asked as they walked through the forest and Natsu pointed out plant after plant.

"My mom had a flower shop," Natsu said, smiling softly. "I helped her out a lot. Well, she probably didn't see it as helping." He laughed. "I was a bit of a terror, but she liked to show me all the flowers and tell me their names."

"She's... gone?" Sting asked uncertainly. Natsu nodded.

"Long time ago," he said, voice tinged with regret. "I miss her." Sting bumped his shoulder against Natsu's - _I know. I'm sorry. _Natsu let out a quiet puff of laughter, squeezing Sting's hand.

By the time they got back to the car it was early evening, and the clouds were starting to turn pink over the mountain range as the sky darkened.

"Thank you," Sting said, turning to Natsu and exhaled, feeling a sense of relief flood through him as Natsu pulled him into a tight hug. "I'm glad you came with me."

Natsu hummed in agreement, his voice muffled by Sting's hair as he whispered, "me too."

* * *

They spent the rest of the evening driving through the mountains, with Natsu eventually finding Sting's Disney playlist on his phone, and the two of them singing along to every song at the top of their lungs. Eventually, they'd taken a back road off the highway and had found a small clearing where they'd parked the car, then lay out a blanket on the ground to gaze at the sky. Without the lights of the city, the stars were brilliant, forming so many patterns that Sting couldn't keep up with them. It was dizzying and vast and wondrous.

"It's gorgeous," Natsu said, his voice barely a whisper.

_So are you, _Sting thought. He couldn't help but look at Natsu – the way he almost glowed in the silvery light of the moon, the soft curve of his lips, the stray pieces of hair that fell in his face.

Sting turned his gaze back to the sky, tucking one arm behind his head and letting out a soft sigh. He jumped when Natsu's hand crossed the distance between them and pressed against his. Sting stilled, breath catching in his throat as he focused on the gentle sensation of Natsu's fingers brushing his, not taking anything, just waiting for an answer.

_Yes, _Sting thought as he moved closer, closing his eyes as Natsu's fingers traced gentle patterns over his palm and forearm. Each touch felt like a spark, like Natsu was drawing the constellations against Sting's skin until he glowed like the stars.

After a while, Natsu shifted closer, until they were pressed up against each other from shoulder to thigh. He laced their fingers together, resting their joined hands on his stomach, and Sting felt something burst in his chest, warm and bright and alive.

Sting picked out a few familiar constellations over the tops of the trees, trying to distract himself from the sound of Natsu breathing, the smell of sweat and coffee and sunscreen. Natsu rubbed his thumb over the back of Sting's hand and Sting let out a quiet, contented sound at the sensation. He could hear a little puff of laughter from Natsu that broke through the stillness of the night. A soft breeze picked up and drew a quiet whisper from the treetops, and it matched the way Sting exhaled when Natsu's movements became more decisive and he pulled Sting closer.

Suddenly Sting could feel the warmth of Natsu everywhere, and Natsu was turning toward Sting a bit, and pushing himself up on his elbow, and Sting couldn't look anywhere but the dark of Natsu's eyes.

Sting tried to say something, but there weren't any words, and instead he reached up and brushed some wayward strands of hair from Natsu's face. Natsu sighed happily as Sting tucked the hair behind his ear, then slowly, carefully leaned down and kissed him.

Sting felt a warm sense of contentment spread through him as their lips pressed together, and he kissed Natsu back eagerly, moving his hand up Natsu's arm. Natsu made a soft, pleased noise against Sting's mouth, shifting so he was hovering over Sting, one hand moving down to grip Sting's hip.

"Okay?" Natsu murmured, slipping his hand under Sting's sweater and drawing gentle circles on his stomach. Sting nodded, bringing his hand up to the back of Natsu's head and tugging him in closer to deepen the kiss. When Natsu's tongue touched Sting's lips, Sting opened up to him, tasting coffee and chocolate and licorice.

Natsu moaned quietly into Sting's mouth, tightening his fingers on Sting's hip and then nudging him up, settling back against the car and pulling Sting into his lap.

Sting tipped his head back, gasping as Natsu's lips found their way to his neck and began to kiss gentle patterns across his throat. Natsu held Sting tighter, wrapping an arm around Sting's waist and bringing his other hand up to cup the back of Sting's head.

"You're gorgeous," Natsu murmured against Sting's skin, shifting up to brush their noses together and kiss Sting again. "I've wanted to kiss you since I met you."

"Me too," Sting whispered, drawing his fingers through Natsu's hair and sliding his tongue against Natsu's. A light, bubbly sensation floated through Sting's chest and he wrapped his arms around Natsu's shoulders, pulling him close.

"Gods, I could do this forever," Natsu said, pulling back a bit and running his fingers through Sting's hair. Sting smiled, brushing his thumb over Natsu's bottom lip.

"I don't have anywhere to be," he said softly, then leaned in for another kiss.

* * *

Sting woke up to warm sunlight spilling across his face. He mumbled sleepily, moving to sit up but realizing that there was a strong set of arms wrapped around his waist. Natsu was curled up behind him, nose pressed against the back of Sting's neck, fingers rubbing Sting's stomach.

"'s too early," Natsu said, yawning and pulling Sting tighter against him. They were stretched out in the back of Sting's car, seats folded down, blankets piled around them. Sting peeked out the window, smiling at the streaks of pink that were making their way across the backdrop of the morning sky.

"Come watch the sunrise with me," he said, turning in Natsu's arms and kissing his forehead. "It's almost as pretty as the stars."

"Not as pretty as you," Natsu mumbled, rubbing his eyes and kissing Sting sleepily. Sting felt his cheeks turning pink as he returned the kiss, running his fingers through Natsu's hair.

After a moment they broke apart, and Natsu leaned back, giving Sting a soft look, then sitting up and rubbing his eyes.

"Where are we goin' today?" he asked, shuffling forward as Sting opened the trunk. They both stood and stretched, tipping their heads up to look at the morning sky. The air was chilly, and a thin fog hung around them, blurring the soft light of the sunrise.

"Dunno," Sting said, shrugging and pulling Natsu into another kiss. "Doesn't matter." He pressed their foreheads together, then turned toward the mountain, pulling Natsu's arms around his waist and sighing happily. "Right now, let's just watch the sunrise."


End file.
